What Love is Lost is Gained – March/22/1841

Dear James,

It’s been a month now, since you have left us. I’ve made sure to have you buried here under the battle grounds of the war where you fought, just as you asked. I’d like to ask Dr. McLeod if I too can be buried here beside you when I die. For all that we’ve been through together, I want to forever be at your side. I want to check with you before I do though, would that be okay? I hope you like the spot. It’s quite nice, the flowers are starting to bloom now, just slowly. They’ll come with time, just like you will. They say love grows stronger with age, and I know my love for you will envelop me more and more as time passes, even if you’re not here to receive it. And one day you will be here. We’ll walk together again along the banks of the river just like we did when we were young. We’ll be young all over again. I can lace my fingers into yours as you spin me around the fields, no bombs flying over our heads. But your love is a love I will always hold hands with.

I wish I could just feel your arms around me now, your warm heart beating against mine. As I rest my head against your soft yet strong soul, and your lips press against my forehead. But I know wishing does no good, and you wouldn’t want me to be held back by you. Although these have been some of the hardest weeks of my 65 years, even more so than the raging battles of war, I feel closer to you than ever.

I will fight on for you. My love for the British will only grow, as I know how loyal you were to them, I will love them with your heart and mine. With the new Act of Union under way and running, things should be different. Word travels fast here from the capital, and I will do my best to act back and fight for them, for you. Hopefully there won’t be any more outbreaks like in 1837, they usually don’t trickle this far away from the headquarters anyways.

Don’t worry about me, I will be fine here with the kids. You know how they are. They’re all grown up. Your passing is painful to them as I, but they will be fine. As will I. We’ll find our way, our beautiful daughter Laura and that lovely little boy of hers. Our family will forever love you James, please don’t forget that.

I know you’re well taken care of. I’ll join you someday. I’m not sure whether it will be near or far away, but you will always be close to me. And I know life hasn’t always been the sunny days and blue skies that everyone wants, but with you my life will shine forever, even if you are not by my side, your rays will find me. You will always be the light of my life James. In only two months now it will be our 44th anniversary! I’ll be celebrating, and I know you will too.

I’m leaving this note at your gravestone, for you to read. I’m sorry if some of the words are a little smudged; I’ve lost a few drops of my soul while writing this for you. They’ve fallen from my eyes as I picture your beautiful face smiling as you play with the children.  Your face smiling as you lie in bed still recovering from your wounds when I come to see you, your face smiling while you drink with the men on Friday nights over the week’s triumphs and downfalls, and your face smiling as you throw open your arms when I come running home into your embrace after my improbable journey. This is what I will remember.

I could talk to you forever my love. I know you’re listening.

If you hear anything,

I love you James Secord.

– Laura

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